Episode Thirty-One

After a long hiatus, we've gotten together a couple of times in recent months to entertain visiting friends.  My best friend from Portland played with us once in 2009 and was in town for a long weekend, and I was interested in trying my hand at DMing.  The results were... um... mixed, though entertaining and I think the regular DM enjoyed the break.  DMing does give you a new appreciation for what one has to go through to corral players!  Anyway.  The following was not written by me, though the illustrations are still mine.

Episode Thirty-One: Fishing is Better in WoW

DM: Bogdina (barbarian)
Players: Gen (wizard), Chadwick (fighter), Caln (cleric), Olcyon (wizard)

The session began with a discussion of Venn diagrams, boobs, hipster facial hair, McCarthyism, male nymphs, daisy chains, the Atikins diet, high level mathematics, and other entirely unrelated topics. That is, things were off to a typical start. The pilot for the evening was a first-time DM with an affinity for sea creatures and a penchant for flying into a rage. She was curious to see what it was like on the other side of the DM screen, so she volunteered to write up an adventure for us.

The DM explained that the party had departed from the island of regular volcanic eruptions and returned to the mainland continent. Bogdina and Mothra then declared that they had "errands to run" and promptly took a leave of absence. Bogdina's (the barbarian's) parting words: "Check the job board; I can't read it, but you can!" Her words did not prevent the cleric from wondering whether they should ask his luck deity what to do. At this point the two remaining party members inquired as to where they actually were, and learned that they had arrived in the coastal town of Hamilton. "Try to imagine a salty lake," said the DM as she handed the party a flyer that they could see on the job board. It advertised a Fishing Tournament! The illustration of a naked mermaid on the flyer immediately raised eyebrows about whether the party might be able to catch some sexy fish ladies. Cue lengthy tangential conversation.

The party members eventually began to engage the wizards about what to do next, but didn't get very far before the DM told them to stop: "We're roleplaying here. You can't even see them yet!" Thankfully, the party soon found themselves at an inn. Unfortunately, the patrons there couldn't seem to decide who they wanted to glare at more--the fighter making a beeline for the ale, or the cleric asking anyone and everyone about "this fishing thing." Enter Martina the Bartender, owner of the establishment, and entrepreneur extraordinaire. She explained that she was a primary organizer of the fishing tournament and that she would be helping to judge the following day. When asked whether the party could fish for the babe on the flyer, she informed them that they would have to fish for babes themselves. "Not literally! Don't insult them with a hook and lure. Try using sweet nothings or maybe a deep dicking." Anyway, we learned that Carla (the best six-foot-tall fisherwoman in the land) would be a key contestant the next day, at least in the expert division. The party was encouraged the enter at the novice level, what with not knowing how to fish and stuff.

Martina offered to teach the party the basics, but first they had other questions to ask. Would a befuddlement spell be okay? Can you steal fish from the other contestants? Can you kill the other contestants? What if we kill the other contestants but offer to raise them from the dead later? Where would all the diamond dust come from? Can the cleric even cast that spell anyway? Shhhhhhh! Don't tell them that! The DM looked as though someone had already cast a befuddlement spell on her. "This did not occur to me!" she said.

The actual fishing tutorial was straightforward by comparison. Basically, there was no entry fee, and people could cooperate if they wanted to. However, infighting was encouraged. "Just don't murder anyone," she insisted. Contestants would be able to use their survival skills and various attributes to find an optimal lure and fishing spot. The dice would decide how much the fish would weigh, and we'd have to roll to see if our puny arms could reel them in. We'd have the opportunity to memorize any spells and brush up on any skills that we might find useful. This, of course, resulted in more questions (Can a gaseous form travel under water or would it just diffuse? Will wearing a silk cloak induce the fish to bite? Can fish scream?) and at least one statement (I want a nymph!).

The DM eventually revealed a histogram of expected fish weight. This immediately triggered what grew into a 45 minute discussion of mathematical calculations, programming in R, and two notes in the minutes reading "still talking about math" and "So. Much. Math." The wizards of the party spent this time flipping through the monster manual and judging. This period also included a dinner break after the beans finally finished cooking. There was some initial concern that the beans had been contaminated by excessive peppers and had become too spicy to consume. That is, until the cook realized that the tasting spoon itself was spicy, not the beans. Crisis averted.

But such a nice right skew!

Morning arrived on the day of the fishing tournament, and the party noted the rewards posted on the local quest board for a variety of fetch-able goods: firefin snapper, herbs, and missile shrimp. After making a quick stop to purchase fishing supplies (and to get stiffed on change due to lack of rogues), the party rolled bonuses for lures and fishing spots, then made their way down to the dock. Carla (still a hot chick) was already there fishing with her pal Telleph (think five-foot-tall male, square jaw, and a totally different kind of hot bait).

The party members each found a place along the dock and began casting their lines. The wizards both pulled up trout, a cute way of saying that they failed their rolls ("trout don't count"), and expressed a desire to hunt for herbs instead. Caln and Chadwick successfully pulled up snapper on the first try, but the weight of these fish remains a mystery to this day. As it turns out, 5+ randomly generated variables make for a beautiful histogram, but also make on-the-spot arithmetic a little tricky.

At this point, plotting illicit strategies began in earnest. The illusion specialist considered cloaking a heavy bag of rocks with the appearance of a fish. The cleric inquired as to how closely the judges would inspect the heaviest fish for suspicious jingling (viz., how many gold coins would he have to stuff down its gullet to go home with the prize?). The fighter wanted to know whether he could forcefully seize fish from other players, conveniently right as Caln hooked a massive snapper. The DM decided to allow it, and she adjudicated the ensuing PvP tackle/grapple/kerfuffle. Carla and Telleph were amused, and the gentlemen disentangled long enough to (1) read the lady's mind without permission and (2) present to her in pig form. Additional fishing produced mixed results: more trout, more miscalculated snapper weights, a locked treasure chest, and one spilled beer. It was then time for Gen to summon giant bowls of ice cream.

The ice cream struck a critical blow against Chadwick, who had to lie down and look like death for the next hour. Meanwhile, the wizards hunted for herbs on graph theory drawings, but were not the best equipped to appreciate the mathematical implications. The party cleric busied himself by creating a "vermin pinata." He took a snapper, placed a worm inside it, and then cast Giant Vermin targeted inside the fish's stomach. The worm increased in mass and made for a very heavy snapper; the only downsides were the enormous pieces of worm that came bursting out both ends of the fish. When presented for judging, Martina rejected the "mangled" fish, and she was promptly accused of "fish racism."

A variety of stuffings

The DM reminded the party of the chance to hunt for missile shrimp, and who could say no to such an intriguing name? Carla and Telleph in tow, the party waded out into the water where they would use nets to capture the wily prawns. Chadwick, still partially incapacitated by ice cream, climbed into a tree and crept out over the water. He assured everyone that he had a plan. This was a lie. He did not.

Caln wondered out loud whether the missile shrimp counted as vermin. The DM deflected by noting a twist to shrimp hunting: missile shrimp are easily angered, so the captor must be ready to soothe them and then quickly stick them into an enchanted bucket to avoid harm! More Q&A followed. Why does the dock look balls deep in the water? I hadn't thought about this. How big are the shrimp? Big--maybe a foot long. Can we eat the shrimp? If you want to eat the shrimp, you will not be paid for it. The cleric decided that a net was a sucker's game. He cast Water Breathing and Freedom of Movement on himself and made to grab a shrimp bare-handed. The DM looked taken aback for a moment and then said, "Ok, fine, you catch it. But it is angry." The shrimp proceeded to cast Magic Missiles on Caln until he stuffed it into the bucket. Gen used the net as instructed, caught a shrimp, and even successfully soothed it with his charisma. Olcyon picked 5000 mountain monkshood in the herb garden.

Eventually, the cleric and fighter began flirting with Carla. Caln hit her with some one-liners and made a biting gesture. Her response: "He was so cute until he opened his mouth." Chadwick attempted to woo her with his fishing skills, but succeeded in catching nothing but a Sand Cutie; this adorable arthropod summoned a filthy swarm of Sand Cooties, which completely disgusted Carla. Caln cast Command and ordered the fleas to flee, which seemed to impress the lady.

Gen managed to fish up a locked treasure chest of his own. However, due to the lack of rogues, he was forced to hunt down the town magic shop in search of a Knock scroll. The greasy storekeeper was behind the counter in a run down shack--or perhaps a shanty tavern--the only relevant fact being that he was too gross to deal with for long, even with the fun of bargaining.

Suddenly it was very late and everyone was tired. The DM handed out fishing awards to the party and even gave a treasure chest to the contestant with the largest snapper. Note that the winner is somewhat unclear due to the questionable arithmetic involved (not to mention the vermin pinata). Chadwick decided to hang a sack of gold pieces from a tree. Then he passed out from ice cream. While snoring, he was committed to an insane asylum for his behavior. He was not the only one who deserved this fate.

The sweet oblivion of sleep